Positives and Their Negatives

Choosing the Better Way: Our Positive and Negative Selves

In my writing on positive psychology, I often focus on the qualities that lead to flourishing: gratitude, purpose, courage, and more. But for every positive trait I celebrate, there is an equal and opposite negative—often just as present within us, and just as powerful. These negative tendencies aren’t necessarily signs of failure; they’re part of being human. Yet when left unchecked, they can quietly shape our behavior, decisions, and relationships in ways that hold us back.

That’s why this post isn’t just a celebration of what’s good—it’s an honest look at what we’re up against.

Each of the positive traits you’ll read about here represents a form of goodness in action: courage as movement toward purpose, curiosity as the pursuit of truth, patience as the space we give to others (and ourselves) to grow. These are not abstract virtues. They are lived values—ways of being that lead to better livelihoods, stronger communities, and a more meaningful life.

By pairing each positive with its negative counterpart, I aim to offer something more than basic insight—I want to give you a map. A way to catch yourself in the moment when fear creeps in, or when impulsivity takes over, or when indifference begins to dull your experience of the world. And in that moment, I hope you’ll have language—and practice—to reach for something better.

Because each of these positive traits isn’t just a psychological state or trait. It’s goodness embodied.

Let’s explore how to choose the better way.

Positives and Their Negatives

1. Courage vs. Fear

Courage, the ability to act in the face of fear, uncertainty, and risk, allows us to look outward and strive for positive change, accepting that there may be costs along the way. It’s what allows us to speak up, try new things, and pursue our purpose—especially when the outcome is uncertain. When we focus on what we can actually control, it can help us feel more empowered and courageous.

Fear, which is an emotional response to perceived threats or danger, can cause us to turn inward and avoid risks. While it is sometimes protective, it can also be paralyzing. It makes us turn inward, avoid opportunities, and limit ourselves. The key is not to eliminate fear—but to act courageously in spite of it.

Reflection Question: What is one small step you could take today that would require courage, even if it feels uncomfortable?

Actionable Tip: Think of something you've been avoiding out of fear. Take one small, courageous action toward it this week—something that reflects your values and long-term goals—and take note of your progress.

2. Gratitude vs. Entitlement

Gratitude is the practice of recognizing and appreciating the good in your life—whether it’s a small moment, a kind gesture, or a long-term opportunity. It shifts your focus from what’s missing to what’s meaningful. Gratitude shapes your perspective by helping you recognize the conditions and people that made your positive experiences possible—and by comparing what you have now to what you once lacked or others still hope for. Practicing gratitude nurtures humility, strengthens relationships, and increases overall well-being.

Entitlement, by contrast, is the belief that you deserve things without effort or acknowledgment. It breeds dissatisfaction, comparison, and resentment. While gratitude invites generosity, entitlement often demands more, leaving little room for joy or connection.

Reflection Question: How has sharing and reflecting on the good things in your day impacted your overall sense of gratitude and connection with others?

Actionable Tip: Each day, I ask a loved one to share three good things that happened to them—told as stories—and reflect on what (and who) made those moments possible. Practice this version of the Three Good Things activity by identifying three moments of gratitude each day and sharing them with someone else—explaining what made them meaningful and positive, and inviting them to do the same.

3. Hope and Optimism vs. Despair and Pessimism

Hope, the belief in positive outcomes, and Optimism, the ability to envision a better future, open us up to possibilities and give our future the potential it deserves. These positive mindsets help us believe in better outcomes and stay motivated. They give us energy to set goals, persist through setbacks, and reframe challenges as opportunities.

Despair, a focus on negative outcomes, and Pessimism, a sense of hopelessness, can close us off from the opportunities that are within our reach. These negative mindsets reduce our sense of agency, erode our resilience, and increase emotional fatigue. They blind us to possibilities for change and growth.

Reflection Question: Think of a meaningful goal you have for yourself. What is the best possible outcome you can imagine for it—and how might you move toward that?

Actionable Tip: Visualize a goal you care about. Each morning this week, spend one minute imagining a hopeful scenario in which that goal is achieved, then take one action—no matter how small—toward making it real.

4. Curiosity vs. Complacency

Curiosity, or the desire to explore, learn, and understand, sparks new ideas that can lead you to make better decisions in any area of your life. It's essential for learning about other people, the world, and your place within it. Curiosity invites movement, exploration, and growth.

Complacency, which involves settling into comfort and avoiding growth, dulls that desire for exploration. It convinces us that things are “good enough”—even when deeper fulfillment or insight is possible. It’s not always born of laziness; often, it’s rooted in comfort and fear of change.

Reflection Question: What’s something you’ve always wanted to explore but haven’t—because it feels easier to stay where you are?

Actionable Tip: Pick one area of your life where you’ve felt stuck. Ask one curious question or try one small experiment this week that helps you see it in a new light.

5. Purpose vs. Purposelessness

Purpose is the deep sense that your actions matter—that your life is connected to something larger than yourself and you are striving to make a difference in the broader world. It gives structure to your goals, meaning to your effort, and direction to your days. With purpose, even difficult seasons feel bearable, because they’re part of a bigger picture.

Purposelessness is not just the absence of goals and contribution—it also involves the feeling that nothing really matters. It can show up as chronic boredom, restlessness, or emotional numbness. When we lack purpose, we often drift, waiting for something external to bring meaning and direction instead of cultivating it from within.

Reflection Question: If you could change anything about the world, what would you want to be different and why? How might you work toward making that positive change?

Actionable Tip: Find one small act of service you can do this week for something greater than yourself—whether that’s helping someone, supporting an organization, or teaching something you know.

6. Trustworthiness vs. Deceit

Trustworthiness is the foundation of strong relationships and resilient communities. It’s not solely about telling the truth—it’s also about being reliable, consistent, and keeping your word. When people know they can count on you, it builds a sense of safety that allows teams, friendships, and families to flourish.

Deceit on the other hand, breaks down connection. Whether it’s through dishonesty, manipulation, or hidden motives, deceit erodes the trust that relationships depend on. It often starts small—but once trust is broken, it’s hard to repair.

Reflection Question: What does it mean to be someone others can count on—and how do you build that kind of reputation?

Actionable Tip: Tell the truth every time you’re tempted not to this week, and observe how it makes you feel. If you already consider yourself highly trustworthy, make a new promise to someone and follow through—no matter how small.

7. Patience vs. Impulsivity

Patience is the ability to stay grounded and committed, even when things take longer than expected. It allows you to persist through discomfort, delays, or uncertainty without giving up or lashing out. Patience creates space—for growth, reflection, better decisions, and for others to make mistakes and be honest with you.

Through my research on patience, we’ve found that it is especially useful when people are searching for more purposefulness in their lives. Rather than demanding clarity or rushing to define one’s path, patience helps people remain open, present, and engaged in the unfolding process of purpose discovery.

Impulsivity, by contrast, is acting on urges without thinking through the consequences. It often feels like a shortcut to relief or gratification, but it can lead to regret, broken commitments, or missed opportunities for deeper reward.

Reflection Question: What’s one area of your life where you tend to rush—and what might happen if you slowed down?

Actionable Tip: The next time you feel the urge to act quickly—whether it’s replying to a message, making a purchase, or voicing frustration—pause for 10 seconds, take three deep breaths, and ask: “How can I act in a way that reflects my character, goals, and way of life?”

8. Wonder vs. Indifference

Wonder is the ability to be captivated by the beauty, mystery, and complexity of life. It’s what makes us pause to watch a sunrise, marvel at a child’s question, or feel small in the face of a night sky. Wonder opens the door to awe, gratitude, and a deeper connection to the world around us.

Indifference in contrast, is emotional disengagement. It’s not anger or sadness—it’s simply not caring. Indifference flattens our experience of life, making everything feel routine, unimpressive, or not worth noticing. Over time, it can lead to cynicism, boredom, and a sense of meaninglessness.

Reflection Question: When was a time you felt small in the world—or when the beauty and excellence around you uplifted you and made your life, and life itself, feel more important?

Actionable Tip: This week, intentionally seek out a moment of wonder through nature, art, or learning. Take a slow walk in a park, visit a museum, or read about a scientific discovery. Notice how it shifts your perspective.

Conclusion: Turning Awareness into Practice

Every one of us holds both the light and the shadow. The courage and the fear. The patience and the impulsivity. The wonder and the indifference.

But awareness changes everything.

By naming what we’re experiencing—by recognizing when a negative pattern is creeping in—we give ourselves the chance to choose differently. These pairings are meant to serve as tools: a way to reflect, recalibrate, and return to what matters most.

You don’t need to be perfect to grow. You only need to be honest. Curious. Willing to try again.

And the more often you practice these positives—courage, gratitude, purpose, trustworthiness—the more natural they become. Not as goals to strive for, but as habits of being. As part of who you are.

So take a moment.

Return to the pair that resonated most.

Write down your reflection.

Try the tip.

And notice how even a small act of goodness can ripple through your life.

Because every time you choose the positive, you're not just becoming better—you're making the world better too.

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